Some Things I Know, Vol. I

I've stared at this computer screen for oh, 317 years now, and I don't think I have a full, cohesive paragraph in me at this point.

But I fixed my comments (I was notified that the shit broke) so apparently that warrants a half-assed listed blog entry. A blog entry fueled by boredom, thinly veiled disdain and Darvocet.

1. I’ve left my house twice in the past week, and I’m pretty sure I’ve begun the descent from Caucasian to Transparent for lack of sunlight. Clearly being self employed has its pitfalls.
2. I’m almost positive that I’ll die alone, be nibbled on by stray cats a la Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns, and only be found when the other tennants in my building begin to notice an odd smell.
3. One of my nostrils is always plugged. Always.
4. Hollywood should really just throw in the towel at this point. Flirting with Forty? Really, Heather?
5. Winning the lottery is a completely feasible, totally necessary life goal. I don’t actually play the lottery, but still find myself pondering what I’ll do with my millions.
6. Despite my almost non-existant solid food diet, I appear to be getting fatter for no obvious reason. Ballooning disproportionate lard mountain, nice to meet you.
7. I haven’t cut my hair in almost two years, and people really seem to care about it.
8. Grown ass people who use the word “irregardless” or substitute letters for entire words deserve to have their internet access revoked.
9. The last five calls on my Blackberry are from my mother, undoubtedly telling me not to put a dryer sheet in with her unmentionables and old, tattered mumus. What’s worse is that this isn’t throwing up any red flags.
10. The sinking feeling in my stomach when I realize my pack of cigarettes is low is almost as bad as the feeling of recognizing that I’m a chain smoker.

Now if you’ll excuse me internets, I have to get back to my thrilling, fast-paced, jet-setting lifestyle.